What’s going on

I have sent two blogs over the weekend, and I can not find them. I’m back it’s. I’m finding it hard to confess  and I did go back and still here now. I’m receiving counselling and in a good place. Will keep you posted.

tegards

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Hello everyone, I’m back!! It’s dec 2017, and I did go back, hold up just to see what I was reading was true?!! And it is, how do I feel, drained, lied to, deceived, nelegketed, alone, confused, you name if negativity is my name. Can you Belinda it!!! But I am studying at the same time, and I’m getting older and weaker, lol .

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When will it stop!!

Since breaking up with the sociopath, I have stayed away from people like him, I thought!! I recently re started an old relationship with someone who I thought was respectable, turns out he is also a sociopath, he is a prolific pounce and proud of it, he seems to think he is entitled to sex from women, and would trade anything for it. I’m angry with myself for getting taken in again. I know they come in all shapes and disguises but….. Where does this end.

I’m  now licking my wounds as I have shut down again due to the dishonesty of it all.  I know in the long run I should be ok. I wanted to share where I am and what I’m experiencing after the ten year relationship with the sociopath. I’m learning and hoping that this won’t break me further. I would say that I’m clever realising early not giving too much away too early , did not get to six months with him.

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just one of those days.

This happens seldom but it’s worth getting writing down.  It’s been a terrible but soothing time for the last two months. Looks like god has answered a few prays or my spiritual guardian angel is beside me, I’m not sure. I often feel as if there is one beside me at all times. Watching over me, guiding me.  Yet I still have intrusive thoughts mainly about the last terrible relationship I had which lasted ten years roughly. It was hard he was a sociopath and narcissistic, hey presto something I was use to, thought I could handle it not knowing I was that damaged to even believe a word he said, always lies. I thought this was the end. I found the strength to move on and so I do two years down the line.,due to all the episodes etc I’m alone.  I don’t feel guilty but all the activities I use to do have also gone. I’m still grieving. I’m at the stage where I say when is it going to end, when can I take my life back and start enjoying it again. I miss a lot of things not to say I need a partner but companionship does help when both people  knows the rules,

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My parents background

They were both from a small rural Caribbean island. My dad from the town my mum from the country. He is 8 years older than my mum.

All of this that I know is what I’ve systematically asked them over the years about their up bringing.

My dad is one of 14 kids including two sets of twins. He is roughly in the middle of them all. I met a few over the years the one who were still on the island. My dad’s mum is of Portuguese descendants and his dad of African abandon on another near by remote island. His father made a few more big families around the Caribbean Islands. My dad do not know them. My mum says that his mother dotted over him and never liked them together due to my mum having a child already by another man. But still they dated and had two children out there my brother and sister. My dad took a railway job in England in 1958, and left my mum with the three children. He only wanted to work and return back to the island. He sent for my mother in 1961. She worked as a hospital cleaner. She then had my two brothers then I. When I was two she then sent for that half brother then the other two arrived shortly. Now there is six of us.

My dad was strict and under pressure. His life in the Caribbean is nil. He rarely talks about it. He gets iterated if I ask about it, only that his mum once burnt his hand in the fire for pinching food. It was a hostile environment. He got retirement then went back home as he calls it, to the Caribbean. He bought a house and is there to this day.

My mum was born in the country side of the island. She has one brother and one sister. Her mum died when she was 6 and she can’t remember her mum. She remembers her dad only when he cleaned the windows of the colonial house where my mum went to work and school. Her aunt was with her as she was the cook of the house. When she was 14 she fell pregnant by a man on his thirties. He begged her to be quiet about it and so she did, she met my dad and that was that.my dad must of been in his twenties at the time.

This story went on at the arrival of my strange brothers and sister, from abroad,

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I cry in the mornings .

I cry in the mornings these days, I cry because I feel hurt. I cry because I’m all alone. I cry to start the day. I cry from within out. I cry. Sometimes I don’t why, sometimes I do.

Sexual frustration and loneliness can be the issue. Today I’m due for my bike ride and the person I’m going with fancies me. I’ve rejected him many times due to I’m not feeling him. He understands and maybe he will wait. He does not know who I am, and where I’m at, as I want to heal, giving up Cannabis is at the heart of this toxic mixed up feelings right now. He smokes, not a problem, I used it for a crouch, escape and for sex too. Now I don’t have it maybe that’s the cause for the floods of tears I’m experiencing now. I’ve lost some libido, I cry from within most days then in the mornings it floods out. It’s a relief for me, like a organism at the end of a sexual session.

I use to use porn videos ( the word video sounds old because the now pastor half brother introduced me to them in my 20’s ) I continued this habit into DVDs. I have thrown them all away now ( I only had two always orgies or one wow an and two men) I know it says clearly I don’t value one on one relationships due to my life pattern. I want to change that into being being and feeling normal. So I cry as my freedom of release in the mornings. I generally end up with a good day. I know very well to fill my days. It’s just the initial getting up out of bed. Later on I will talk about my last 10 year relationship with the sociopath, which was filled with sex and even rape. It two years in august since I’ve left that vile life behind and it’s two months since I gave up my crouch of weed, so I’m Bound to be a bit off balance at times. One thing for sure it’s a dam new life. Which can be overwhelming at certain times. I’m feeling a bit better now, the tears have died down. Any time I feel like this I shall share my experience right here. Time for breakfast now.

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My Father

My father the first male contact In my life would be short, not too long as he only stayed until I was 6. To be honest I can’t really say I knew him well or I was close, he was a very strict man, when he walked into the room I remember all six of us had to just sit immediately on the floor scrambling to find a safe place to sit, we were beneath him. I sometimes wondered what would happen if one of us failed to be at his feet. Not worth thinking about, you would have been lifted real high and got beaten and thrown to the floor, I saw this with two of my full brothers, dad was violent and strict. He beat my mum to the point of pushing her through a closed window, I still hear the window glass breaking in my head, as I rushed to see the Comotion, he had already card boarded the window and my mum was gone! He cooly crossed his legs and read the newspaper as if nothing had happened, that’s my dad. My mother forgave him until later he started on her precious son my half brother. This lead her to kick him out for good. I always tried to talk to my dad to no avail. He would say to me “just shut up,kids must be seen and not heard” that is what I remember about him. He never ever hit me. But he would say your the youngest one and a girl too, your mum must deal with you. Or your going to be bad. My dad lived 6 doors away from us, and I seldom saw him, in fact I avoided him. He kept cursing my mum and asking awkward questions. And I was just a kid, I wanted nothing to do with him, and felt he was brutal and unforgiving,

He was not the caring type, he would shout which vibrated my chest, I was scared of him growing up. Until one day my mum could not put up with my constant back chat and disappearing acts she sent me to stay with him, I was 12 or 13. It was school holidays. I’m ashamed of this (tears) i was having sex full blown sex with an older man, I can say I was ashamed, lost and confused. My mum and half brother got me back from running away. I think for two weeks, I was with this older man,in a pub. how I met him I cannot remember. One day it might come back me one day. So I’m at my dad’s place one room at the back of someone’s house. He moved by this time 3 Miles from home. He made me tea and just stared at me. He always said you resemble you mother, I waited until he fell asleep then went straight back to this older mans house, there he was gone. Only his younger brother was there, he said I could stay until his brother arrived, but he did not come, I remember making scramble eggs for his brother and I and I put far to much salt in it. The brother still ate it. Why this is important is that he mother had died and left them alone in the big house. I went home to face the music. It was not as bad as I thought. Mum had a new live in boyfriend called Mr Fred, yes you know he tried to have sex with me at 14. But I was far to clever by then I shut him down, the guilt made him act like a caring caring dad to me for years on, he was a gambler and a drunk.

By now my dad said he has washed his hands off me, that I was bad for running away from him, and only the grace of god would have to look after me now.

Thing is I never had a father. That’s what I’ve always wanted. Thats why I looked for fathers in my relationships and ended up with none. By the way he called up Christmas from the Caribbean he moved back there for good in the 80’s. Just to tell me I’m no good to him because I have not sent any money to him for so long! I’ve been up set deep down and could not believe the coldness from his voice. He refused to talk and said now put your mother on. It ruined that joyful day. I held it together for my kids and I have written him off.

He is living with a disturbed young woman who needs med now and then. I’ve met her whilst me and my husband visited. The whole island talks that my dad is taking liberties with her. as he got older his big voice has shrunk.

And I have no contact with him now, my first contact for a male figure.

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